InFeeling

Yeah, that stings.

Maybe I shouldn’t write this, but I’m going to anyway. Besides, what does it matter? I’m not even sure anyone reads this blog and I’m not saying that to gain your attention. I’m saying it because it’s true, most of the comments I receive are spam.

There are months or times when I am good at posting a regular blog and then I fade off. The same thing happens on my Facebook page, my reader group and shoot even my personal profile. I belong to several reader/author type groups and I do great posting there for a bit and then again, I fade away into the nothing. I’ve yet to figure out exactly why I do that, but I think…

I’m tired. I’m tired of being on social media constantly. I’m tired of having my phone glued to my hand. I’m tired of sharing or posting into the abyss and being left disappointed. I feel like I’m fighting the Nothing in The Neverending Story…as if my hopes and dreams are slowly being sucked from my body and leaving me empty as it grows stronger.

This black hole of suck is destroying bits and pieces of my world, taking control of my emotions and leaving me lifeless in the swamps of sadness. And I’ve allowed it to. The times when I post regularly are nothing more than fleeting moments, small bursts of energy – that moment when I decide to try again. Only to be left disappointed and gradually pulled back into the darkness fading away from sight and interaction.

It’s hard to grow a following when you feel like a rope in a game of tug-o-war.

Yesterday, was a busy eventful day via social media in my world. The first book in the Silverpines series was released and all the authors were working hard to get the word out; as well as interact with the readers. I posted multiple times in multiple places, desiring to do my part in helping this series be a success for each author participating.

On my personal profile; I have 8 interactions, 2 shares, and a couple comments from yesterday. It’s as if my posts fell into the abyss without ever seeing the light of day. I’ve felt that way about many things I’ve shared or posted recently. Nothing is left untouched by this black hole of suck, not even my personal profile. Rarely is there a comment or a like.

I did share a funny picture the other day and it’s the most action my Facebook profile has seen in MONTHS! The only other post gaining any kind of action have been live videos of my son doing the CrossFit Open.

I find myself asking, “Why do I even bother“, “What’s the point in sharing this” and “I’m just talking to myself out here“. If we’re honest, my own husband doesn’t even like, comment or share my posts. That shouldn’t bother me, I suppose, but guess what – it does. Why? Because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He likes or comments on everyone else’s stuff and sometimes even shares it. I feel he is more active and interacts more with others on social media than I do. Truthfully, I feel like he talks to everyone but me and maybe I shouldn’t say that out loud either…but I’m tired!

My heart is hurt and I am tired. I’m tired of holding the hurt inside. I’m tired of being upset. I’m tired of the discouragement and disappointments. I’m tired of opening social media and seeing the exact same thing I saw ten hours ago. I’m tired of not expressing what I feel because of the backlash it may present. I’m tired of keeping every little thing to myself when many times all I want to do is scream and cry! I am sick over how much the abyss of social media has taken from me. It’s not just hopes and dreams being sucked away from me; it’s family and friends too. It’s all disappearing into the Nothingness.

It hurts. I feel empty and extraordinarily tired constantly. I keep trying to fight it and then I find myself holding little shreds of my heart in my hands time and time again. I’m tired of this heartache. I’m tired of loneliness. I’m tired of feeling that I could disappear and not a soul would notice.

Am I depressed? No, I am not. I am simply stating what I feel and because it’s deep and dark society says; “She’s depressed“. The truth is I am lacking; lacking in relationships, love and the happiness brought out by them. I am lacking control; control of my tongue. I am lacking in strength; the strength to not get upset, hurt or emotional. I am lacking in desire; the desire to fight for those hopes, dreams, and relationships.

Everything I put out there falls into the abyss and I am left feeling emptier than before, so why continue? Surely, I am not the only one with that thought – look at how many people take breaks from social media or how many give it up for Lent. It sucks the life out of you and takes away those you love. Don’t believe me?

<<<Then I challenge you>>>

Take a moment today and look around you. How many people are actually talking to each other vs staring at their phone? Look at your children and your spouse – what are they doing. For that matter, where are they? Hiding out in their own domain or standing in the hallway out of sight on one of their many devices that has control over them, their lives, relationships, homework… Lastly, look in the mirror.

I have found myself just leaving my phone laying where-ever because if it’s on me, it’s going to end up in my hand stealing away from me precious time meant for others, who may or may not be too blind to see it. Try talking to someone with their phone in their hand – they’re not paying you a lick of attention. You could tell them all about how exciting your day has been or try to talk to them over dinner, but you might as well be talking to yourself. Shoot, you could TEXT them something on that said phone and get nothing in return. Not a congratulations or good job…notta. Happened to me yesterday.

This is rough. Rough as a human being, a wife, a mom, a friend…it’s rough. You see the way it’s impacting those areas of your life>>>look at the way it’s impacting your career. Everything is on social media! Everyone is pushing their business, their careers – asking you to share or support. It’s a constant fight and it’s exhausting! Do you know how many friends/family members I have with businesses? Here’s another thought… How many of those friends and family members with businesses do you support or try to when you can? How many actually return the favor with your pursuits? It’s every man for himself out there or so it seems.

And then there’s me – as a writer/author – this big black hole of suck isn’t encouraging nor does it spark creativity. It’s like being all warm and cozy one moment and have someone throw cold water in your face the next.

  1. Yesterday, started off great. The interaction between the reader group and a few others and everyone wanting to slap the character named Betsy was amazing! I had one family member share the series and another friend reach out to me on Instagram – both welcoming surprises. And then as the day was drawing to a close…
  2. I reached out privately to a few friends and family members asking for their support by sharing a certain post. Mail Order Marshal was climbing to #1 in a couple of categories and we were all doing our best to help it reach that coveted spot. Not one responded. Not one shared. Yeah, that stung.  Then before I went to bed I noticed a reader had said, “Take me off the list” in response to a welcome message. This reader is still a member of the reader group and so I find I am lacking in understanding that response.

You notice I put a 1 and 2 next to those two paragraphs. This is why. Number one was full of fun, excitement, and happiness. Warm and Cozy. Number two the abyss sucked it all away leaving me heartsick. And there’s the cold water.

My book in the series will be coming out soon enough and if I can’t even gain support for my friend George – what’s gonna happen with my own book? Now that! That, is a depressing thought.

As a writer/author, I need to toughen up. I need a thicker skin. The problem is I’m tired. And so, if you have miraculously stumbled upon this post and read its entirety I ask you this one simple thing if you can do nothing else…pray for me. I could really use that about now. For when others fail me, let me down or hurt me; God remains and he loves me.

Sincerely,

Renea

 

 

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1 Comment

  • Pam O'Banion

    T, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I glance at your posts from time to time, and believe me that’s not meant to be personal at all. Over the last several months, that’s all I’ve had time to do is “glance” at everyone’s posts! Occasionally I have thought to myself, gosh I wish I could find the time to just sit and enjoy one of the books on the readers site.

    Truth for me is LIFE hasn’t presented much of a break lately! I’ve just been sick with the flu, before that Chris had it. His mother’s health condition is poor and we’ve had her in and out of the hospitals and ERs. The family has been dealing with the Kayla situation and all that entails! Heck, that’s just Chris’s side of the family!!!

    Believe me when I tell you that I understand darkness, feeling empty, or alone in things. I’ve struggled for nearly the last year, in fact will be a year April 2nd. I feel like the world quit making sense the day my brother died so unexpectedly. There really is no other choice but to move on, but I’ve been so many emotional places since that day! I don’t think I’ve yet to really grieve my loss, I rather think I’m afraid to actually let myself feel the pain as much as I need to…if that makes any sense???

    So, anyway, my point here with all of this is….just because someone isn’t commenting on your stuff, or liking or sharing, doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve scrolled on past to cause hurt, maybe they’re like me, and finding little to no time to spend online. I hope you know, that even though we don’t get to talk often, and I don’t have the time to be on the sites or read the books, I am always wishing you well, you’re always in my prayers!

    March 14, 2018 at 5:51 pm Reply
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